Childhood emotional neglect has played a huge role in my life for a long time. I didn’t know that’s what it was until therapy. For a long time I also didn’t really know who I was, what I like, or wanted for a long time. I lived in the shadows of my siblings and paid for my love every time I was ignored. I had no idea how to say no without feeling guilty, and then eventually, I started to feel resentful. I had a great childhood up until my grandmother died when I was 12. I wondered, why is everyone around me so happy, and alive, especially my siblings? I didn’t know the difference between emotional abuse, or neglect. At one point in my life I thought I had a great childhood and couldn’t pinpoint any severe deficit or trauma that could account for my sadness, and depression. I also learned that childhood emotional neglect tends to be a bit more subtle, harder to pinpoint, and thus a lot hard to recognize and to understand.
After I was told what was going on with me, it broke me really bad. I became more depressed then when I didn’t know. I was mad at God, I question everything including if these people were my real family. The bad thing about all of this is, the separation from my ex husband, and dealing with the rape all came up at the same time. It was like God was telling me to deal with it so I could move on.
My therapist warn me, you are going to feel a lot of different emotions, but acceptance will be the last before you move on. I was mad when I heard that because at that point I was already tired. I had been battling my demons, I was emotionally drained. I couldn’t sleep, my mind worked overtime all day and night with little, sometimes no sleep for days, up crying every time the thought of never having my mom to hold me, be there for me, listen, understand, and believe came to my mind.
Today I am in the acceptance stage, and it’s hard. Because I thought when I accept my faith, I’ll be done and move on. But this stage is harder, I find myself excepting things one at a time. Everything is playing back from years and I’m realizing, omg these people will never change. It’s hard, I won’t lie because I see people who has had great relationships with their parents that are no longer and I have family alive and well but chose to not want to be there. I am about 70% there, I can’t wait to be free and sleep through the night. Be able to talk about it without crying or grieving, because every time I think about it, I grieve my grandmother and myself as an orphan. I ask more “WHY”? My prayer is continuous forgiveness everyday, my therapist also said the people that are there for me are my family I need to let them in, so I did.
Inspirationally Intoxicated 